Fuente de Amor

            The stats are not pretty.  More than 50% of all marriages in America will end in divorce.  Which is why since 1970, there has been a 430% increase in the number of couples choosing to live together before getting married.  Hoping this will lessen their chances of divorce.  Unfortunately, it only increases their chances of divorce by another 50%. 

            You’d think things would be different in the church.  But the divorce rate among those who claim to be Christ-followers has just surpassed the society as a whole.  That’s not a good thing.

            But these aren’t just numbers.  Every divorce statistic represents real people with real pain and real needs.  We’ve all been affected by divorce.  We’ve all experienced, at some level, the feelings of betrayal, anger and failure.  Which makes this a very difficult subject to speak on.  In fact, I went to the pastor who married Erin and me to find direction for this message. 

            Before we jump in, please know that I’m not here to beat on anyone, or reopen slightly healed wounds.  I want to share the hope and grace that we see in scripture. 

            At TFC, we’re all about following Jesus.  In the opening chapter of another book about Jesus, John, we read this, John 1:14. 

            You see this over and over with Jesus.  As he dealt with hurting people in messed up circumstances, he was the perfect mixture of both grace and truth.  In order for us to be Christ-like, we have to find that same balance as well.  We offer grace when people mess up but we also call people toward accountability in regards to truth. 

            As I work toward that balance this morning, I want three particular groups of people to pay close attention. 

            1) Those who are considering marriage or hope to be married someday.  I hope you can gain some truth.

            2) Those who have been divorced and are still struggling with that painful heartache, I hope you can experience some grace.

            3) To married people wondering whether your marriage can survive.  I want to speak hope and caution. 
            With that in mind, let’s look at today’s scripture.  Matthew 19:1-12

            Let’s just admit up front that divorce is complicated.  Some people can’t deal with complicated issues, so they want to make everything black and white.  But we’re doing to deal with some shades of gray this morning. 

            I also want to admit that many divorces seem senseless.  Some divorces seem as if the couple simply got tired of trying and took the easy way out.   Some people chose to separate love from commitment and called it incompatibility. 

            But on the other hand, there are some divorces that though it’s painful, it seems that separation is the most redemptive thing to do.  Children are in danger, violence has become a way of life, patterns of infidelity have destroyed the relationship, one partner is trying to make it work while the other partner has a deadly detachment, not even trying. 

            The dysfunction found in some marriages is deep and complex.  Which is why there are no easy answers.  But what’s not complicated is how God feels about divorce.  Malachi 2:16 
            God’s feelings are very clear, he HATES divorce.  But hear me, God does not have those who have been divorced.  .  In fact, God hates divorce because he loves people.  He hates to see what divorce does to those he loves.  He hates divorce because he loves us.  Another way of saying it is that God hates sin because he loves people.  Which is why God sent Jesus into our world.  Jesus’ death on the cross and his resurrection three days later is sufficient not only to forgive us of our sins, but to empower us to live a whole new way.  God hates sin so he offers us healing and restoration. 

            The Pharisees were the Religious Right of Jesus’ day.  They believed it was their job to enforce morality upon the people around them.  All the while, completely missing the point of God’s commands.  In verse 3, they try to trick Jesus, vs. 3.  What’s painfully obvious here is that they had no desire to learn from Jesus, they just wanted to trap him.  And yet, Jesus still uses this moment to teach us something. 

            To fully understand what’s going on here, you need to know that in Jesus’ day, women were considered 2^nd class citizens (at best).  They had no rights, they were treated with little dignity.  They were not considered equals to men.  As appealing as that might sound to some men, it was not a good thing for marriage.  If both partners are not considered equal, there will be no vitality in the marriage. 

            There were different philosophies among the religious leaders of Jesus’ day.  One group believed a man could not divorce his wife for any reason other than sexual unfaithfulness.  Another group, more popular in that male dominated society, claimed a man could divorce his wife for any reason he wanted.  If she burned dinner – gone.  If he wanted to trade her in for a newer, younger model, no wrongdoing whatsoever. 

            With their question, the Pharisees were trying to lure Jesus into a lose-lose debate.  But as he always did, Jesus ignored their petty arguments and went to the heart of the matter.  Jesus went back to the beginning of scripture, the 2^nd chapter of the Bible, Genesis 2:4-6

            Jesus was explaining God’s original intention for marriage.  He’s telling them, “the situation you’re describing is not what God originally intended.”  God did not plan for divorce.  His original plan was that man and woman would be joined together for life, no one would separate them. 

            The Pharisees did not like Jesus’ response.  They asked, “then why did Moses command divorce?”  This particular translation misses it, but in the original language, the Pharisees used the word command.  They were referring to Deuteronomy 24, in which Moses allows for divorce.  But if you study the context, you’ll see that Moses’ intention was to protect women who were very vulnerable.  But Moses never commanded divorce, as the Pharisees claimed. 

            Jesus knew this, so he changed their use of command to permit, vs. 8.  You’ve gotta catch that or nothing else makes sense.  The Pharisees believed God commanded divorce, Jesus explained that God only permitted divorce.  There’s a huge difference between a command and a permission. 

            Why did Moses permit the people to divorce?  It was a concession to their stubbornness.  They refused to live in love, so God chose to protect the wives.  But this wasn’t God’s plan from the beginning.  The concession for divorce was God’s response to human selfishness.  But divorce was not God’s plan for his people. 

            Now, this almost seems like a contradiction.  In Genesis 2, God gives a description  of what He created marriage to be.  A journey of service and support that would lead to intimacy.  But in Deuteronomy 24, we see this permission for divorce.  What’s going on here?  Is God being inconsistent? 

            What we’re seeing here is the love of our heavenly Father.  You see, something happened between Genesis 2 and Deuteronomy 24.  God didn’t change but humans changed.  After he created us, we all decided to turn our backs on God.  Rather than living for God and for others, which would mean a marriage the way God intended, we decided to live for ourselves.  Selfishness is sin.  That sin resulted in a twisted, broken creation that was not what God originally intended.  But when we screwed up, God gave us divorce as a concession. 
            You know what that tells us about God?  That God loves us enough to adapt himself to the conditions we created by our abuses of his freedom.  God is not a tyrant, creating rules to make us miserable and to remind us who is in charge.  God is not an egomaniac.  But when we chose to live for ourselves rather than God, we screw everything up.  God responds to our screw ups by working to heal the brokenness that we’ve brought into our relationships.  The same God who created the entire universe simply by speaking it into existence, has been focusing all of his creative power into winning us back to himself.  God has been working to recreate our messed up world, including our relationships. 

            God could’ve given up on us.  Instead he reached out to us.  He could’ve left us to deal with our pain on our own, instead he provided a new beginning.  God reached out to us, even at the risk of being rejected and misunderstood.  God has made concessions to help us deal with the terrible predicament we’ve put ourselves in. 

            A part of God’s concession to our sinfulness is what we might call the commands of God.  We sin, God responds with a command.  Romans 5:20  God’s commands aren’t to confine us, but to guide us.  God hasn’t given us commands to confine us, but to guide us.  Not to restrict us but to set us free.  Is it possible for you to view God as a loving parent who wants to keep his children from continually hurting themselves? 

            There is a difference between God’s intentions and God’s modifications.  God’s intentions are that we live with lifelong, healthy, marriages.  But we mess up God’s plan.  So God modifies our original plan to protect us from the full fury of our destructive decisions.  The Pharisees made the same mistake we often make, equating adaptation with acceptance.  Permission does not equal approval.  God is simply allowing the bad so as to avoid the worse.  God may allow divorce, but remember, God hates divorce!  God allows divorce in order to keep us from doing our worst to each other.  But it makes nothing better and nothing good. 
            Which is why it’s time for us to “just say no” to divorce!”  In order for this to happen, we’ve gotta change our mindset.  There’s a popular way of thinking in our culture that is destroying marriages.  It’s this line, “I’ve got to do what’s best for me.”  You know what that’s called?  Selfishness.  Sin.  To focus only on self is to live the exact opposite way God created you to live.  Which is why “doing what’s best for me” never works.  The more self-centered you become, the more angry and bitter you become.  You get the exact opposite of what you wanted. 
            It’s not about doing what you think is best for you, it’s about what God tells us is best for you.  God’s ways are not easy, at least not in the short term, but it’s the only path to long term satisfaction.  God’s way is what’s best for me. 

            God is clear.  He expects us to keep our commitments, even when it is difficult and painful. 

            You will never experience God’s best in your marriage until you get rid of the D word.  As long as divorce is a possible option (even in the back of your mind), you will never have a great marriage.  “If things don’t work out, we’ll just get a divorce.”  That way of thinking dooms your marriage. 
            I’m not talking about abuse, violence or infidelity.  Those are different circumstances.  Although NO marriage is beyond repair, a divorce intended to protect yourself is different than a divorce that results from just giving up.  
            The divorce I’m warning against is when two people just throw up their hands and decide they’re done trying.  It’s easier to walk away than to stick it out, to run away than to rebuild.  Walking away doesn’t solve any problems. 
            Statistics show this.  2^nd and 3^rd marriages have a higher failure rate than 1^st marriages.  If people got rid of their problems by getting rid of their spouses, you wouldn’t see 2^nd and 3^rd divorces.  But the problem isn’t the other person, the problem is me.  New marriage, same old person leads to the same result.   
            Contrast selfishly giving up to the deep satisfaction from saying, “we’re in this together – no matter what!”  That’s commitment. 
            Commitment means being willing to be unhappy until things get worked out.  Months / Years until things are healed.  But no matter how long it takes, I’m working through this because I made a commitment to you and to God and I’m sticking with that commitment.  We’re going to see this through.
            This type of commitment is rare due to a popular myth in our society, the myth of incompatibility.  Paul Turnier, a Swiss Psychiatrist, said this in his book, To Understand each other, “So called incompatibility is a myth invented by jurors to make a plea for divorce.  It is likewise just a common excuse for people to hide their failings.  But misunderstandings and mistakes can be corrected if there is a willingness to do so.” 
Incompatibility is just two selfish and stubborn people saying, “I refuse to change, to compromise.” 

            Dr. Paul Pompeno, author of dozens of books on marriage and director of The Institute of Family Relations, “I don’t believe incompatibility exists.  Because almost any two people are compatible if they try to be.”  He’s saying our marriages are what we make them.  Where is the green grass?  Not on the other side of the fence.  No the grass is greenest where we water it.  Are you watering your marriage?
            The vows made on your wedding day matter, you’d better believe it.  But they matter only in how seriously you’re taking them today.  Today is what matters.  Are you honoring your spouse today?        

            No matter how incompatible we feel, when we said “I do” it became God’s plan that you stay together.  But not just stay together but that you grow closer over the years.  There’s NO marriage beyond repair.  There is no life so broken that can’t be made new through the power of Jesus Christ.  I believe that in the core of my being.  If I didn’t, I’d quit my job right now.  God is CREATOR.  Right now, you may lack the strength and skill for a healthy marriage but God can CREATE that in you.  And he can recreate the commitment you once had.  God is for your marriage.  If both partners decide to live for God and do what’s right, any marriage can be healthy and thriving.  God is willing to do it, if only you’ll let him. 
            No matter how painful it is right now, the path of least pain is to stay in the marriage and work through it.  Divorce will not solve your problem, it will only compound it. 

            If you ran a video of the past 8 years of my life as a husband, you’d see some pretty low moments.  Some moments of extreme selfishness that have seriously wounded my wife.  But when Erin and I said our vows, we decided that no matter how tough it would get, we would stick through it.  We’ve also had to choose not only to just “stay together” but to grow closer together.  We’ve trudged through issues, we’ve gone to counseling.  We take our vows seriously.  One day we’ll stand before the God who expects us to keep our commitments. 

Let me wrap this up with 3 things.

1) If you’re not married yet, give serious consideration to who your spouse will be.  Do not mess around with (date) someone who wouldn’t make a good life partner.  You can get yourself in a circumstance in which there’s no turning back.  Don’t date someone you wouldn’t want to live with for the rest of your life.
2) If you’ve gone through the pain of divorce, know that you’re not a 2^nd class citizen.  Those who have fought for your marriages, doing all you could to keep it together, sometimes all by yourself; thank you for sticking with your commitment.  I can’t imagine the pain you’ve gone through.  God will honor your commitment, even if you were doing it alone.

3)  For those who are exhausted, ready to throw in the towel on the entire marriage.  Hang in there.  Keep working.  Know that you’re not working alone.  God wants your marriage to succeed and he’s working alongside of you, even if you don’t feel his presence. 
He can heal your marriage in a way you’ve never dreamed.